You are grown.

Featured Photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash

Majority of the time I have to ponder things for weeks before writing about them or acting on them. I need numerous signs. Confirmation that this is what I am supposed to do or speak on. I am currently reading Eckhart Tolle “A NEW EARTH Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” and it has so many gems! Although the book itself isn’t large, I have been reading it for a while because there is so much to take in. It’s one of those books that end up having so many sticky notes and highlighted paragraphs. I already know for a fact that this is a book that I will read many many times again. The book is largely about ego and is currently number one on my top ten must read book list. (One day I’ll post the list…it currently doesn’t exist. lol) 

Anywho I had been catching up on my usual podcast ( The Black Girl Bravado ), reading my book, and reading blog posts that all seem to coincidentally touch on the same thing. Though honestly it wasn’t until I just finished reading a blog post from Khy Ye titled “I Am A Bad Person vs. I Did A Bad Thing.”   that I feel I’ve received my last sign. 

Side note: Once you have finished reading and commenting on this post make sure you visit her post, it’s such a good read!

In my last post, I’ve Been A Sucky Friend, I speak on some of my issues with relationshipping (I may or may not have just made that word up but that’s okay, and yes you can use it.) and needing to learn to be better at it in order to efficiently network and maintain relationships. After piecing together various signs I have finally figured out my first step in the right direction: Forgiveness. 

There was a quote by Maya Angelou in Kye Ye’s post that read “Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself” and it hit me like a ton of bricks; well not as painfully but there was no denying it.  Let me explain:

…think of Queen of The South, I am sitting there reading the post and then I look up and boom the future me is standing there in a bad ass suit and says “ You are grown now. You have to forgive yourself for things you did as a child. You are more knowledgeable now that’s true but you cannot hold the adult you accountable for things the younger less knowledgeable you did years ago.” Then future me struts off in her six inch heels like the bad boss chic she is! 

Yep, that’s exactly how it happened. Now back to the matter at hand, the first step, forgiveness. This isn’t the first time that I have found myself here. Trying to forgive myself and others for things that happened in the past. Like always, forgiving other people is the easy part for me. Forgiving myself is where it gets a lot more complicated. I will say that I forgive myself because I know that I need to. In fact, I say it multiple times and even write it down. The “fake it ‘til you make it” vibe. Hoping that if I say it enough I’ll eventually believe it. Let me save you the struggle…it doesn’t work like that! You actually have to forgive yourself. 

It is my experience that learning to forgive other people is a topic that seems to be regularly discussed unlike learning to forgive yourself. Though have no fear, Michaela’s here! Lol You already know ya girl got your back. That’s right, we are going to have that discussion right now. 

Forgiving yourself is vital to your growth. We all make mistakes and that’s okay. However, it is important to understand that mistakes will impact your future. I am not saying this to keep you from making mistakes because that is impossible. I am certain that there isn’t a single person on this earth who has not made a mistake. I am actually saying it so that you can look at mistakes differently. Mistakes aren’t something you should shrug off yet they aren’t something you should dwell on either. You may not realize you have made a mistake until sometime later. Most likely once you have grown. However, once you realize that you have made a mistake you must look for the lesson in it. If you do not learn from your mistakes and forgive yourself for them they will stunt your growth and negatively affect you and your future. Therefore forgive yourself, it will not always be easy but it is worth it so do the work.

Michaela, you mentioned trying to forgive yourself numerous times and it not working…what was different this time? I am glad you asked. This time was different because I have been working to rid myself of ego. Your ego is a hell of a thing. I promise you will be better off getting rid of it. Read the book I mentioned earlier and thank me later. 

In the comments below I would love for you to tell me your experience(s) with making mistakes and forgiving yourself.